Big surprise

The CIA's plan to support Somali warlords has backfired? Surely no one saw this coming, after a long history of hugely successful campaigns of meddling in foreign governments.

"We've strengthened the hand of the people whose presence we were worried most about," said Mr. Prendergast, who worked on Africa policy at the National Security Council and State Department during the Clinton administration.

Perhaps I have a biased memory, but this seems to be the standard result whenever the United States involves itself in foreign affairs recently.

I can recall, quite some time ago, having a heated discussion with a couple of knowledgeable and progressive history professors on the merits of keeping troops in Iraq. I don't remember the date, but it wasn't too long after the "Mission Accomplished" blow-up. Anyhow, these professors told me that no good could possibly come from keeping soldiers over there. This went against what any sane person thought at the time (and what most members of Congress still seem to think). If we took our troops out, all hell would break loose! There would be suicide bombers, chaos, and civil war.

Firstly, why no one thought of this before we invaded still perplexes me. Secondly, that's exactly what seems to have happened even with U.S. soldiers there, with the added benefits of more hostility toward the U.S., the deaths of thousands of U.S. troops, and the U.S. spending tons of money we don't have.

But anyway, why are we still there? Is it because we're keeping things nice and orderly? Clearly not. Because if we don't have easily accessible troops there to attack, the evil people might come over here to do it? I guess that might make sense. Are we scared that if we pull out, the evil people will declare victory? Probably. But I'm not sure how much sense that makes. The stated reason for attacking Iraq is the war on terror. What better way to show how vindictive and crazy we can get if attacked than by invading a country, destroying its government, reducing it to rubble, and then declaring victory and leaving?

We can make an announcement along the following lines (I am not a speech-writer, so I imagine the final draft would be a bit smoother, but you get the idea):

Dear World,

A while ago someone attacked us. We did not like it. In response, we attacked pretty much anyone we thought we could get away with attacking. We may have fixed some things, we may have screwed some things up, but who really cares? Anyway, we're done for now. We're going to take our troops and go home, from everywhere. We won't try to fix any problems any more. We'll even get the CIA to stop meddling in your affairs. We're sorry if we screwed anything up, we really didn't mean to, we were only trying to help. But anyway, we're done. Please don't bother us, we should really be left alone for a little while. If you do bother us, we'll probably go a little crazy, leave your country in shambles and claim that we fixed it, so it's really better for everyone if we go our separate ways at this point. Take care.

Sincerely, United States.