easterns (and ultimate)

ambush came in first in the "easterns" bracket at easterns this weekend (or 9th out of 16, for the literal-minded). we got a trophy. we've got a long way to go if we're going to be a nationally-competitive team.

one of the biggest factors this weekend was the weather. both days, the temperature hit over 95 degrees. there's very little shade by the fields, and we played five rounds (four games, one bye) between 9:00AM and 7:00PM on saturday. i had to keep upending my nalgene over my head so that i'd feel cooler. i think being raised in miami helped me out a bit relative to the other (whiter) folks, but still--the heat was almost deadly. a couple people were hospitalized for various heat-related things, and a lot of people felt sick from it. we went 0-4 on saturday and 3-0 on sunday to win the lower bracket.

before this tournament, i had a lot of doubts about ultimate. i was unsure about whether i was really ready to make an intense commitment to ambush, and to the sport, again this summer. i skipped practices, which isn't really my style. i went to easterns with a bit of a heavy heart, not knowing whether it would be my last tournament with ambush, whether i'd be playing co-ed, whether i'd be playing at all. i feel a bit better now.

my main problem, i think, is with the attitude of some of my teammates, toward me and toward each other. personally, i know when i've made a mistake, and i don't need someone yelling at me about it on the field instead of covering their person (who then cuts deep and scores). i don't need broken-up couples taking their frustrations out on each other in public. i don't like having teammates who feel they can criticize others willy-nilly but can't take criticism themselves without getting defensive and loud and angry.

my other problem is with the earn-your-place policy. i don't think it's an invalid way to do it, especially on this team (with people that have been around forever), that aims to play at a high level. if the captains want me to prove myself in practice before i can play in tournament games, then fine. they can lay out the rules and i will play by them. the problem, though, is that the opportunities aren't there--in practice, for instance, i'll only get called first in a string play (catch the pull, short pass) or not at all. other players play dump over me. i can't decide how or when to call a play because others call it out first. etcetera. i've brought this issue up with the captains already, and they do agree that my comments make sense (or, at least, kim does). i don't know if they'll lead to any changes.

at easterns, though, i saw that LP (who started with me last year) was playing a lot more than last year, both on O and D, and starting games even. when brenda would walk off the field, and jacki (who was doing the subbing) would ask who should go in for her, brenda's answer was often "LP." i remember LP's frustrations, very much like my own, last year with the no-opportunity old-boys subbing policy, and i was happy for her that she'd overcome that and was getting playing time. so i complimented her on it, and her response was, "well, i've been working really hard." a little later, we had a longer conversation about it, and i guess i realized that the biggest component missing in my ambush experience is my own commitment. i have to want to get better; i have to go to every practice; i have to lift and run on my own to get in better shape. i have to work on my focus so i can play better defense. i have to work on my cuts so i can play better offense. there's a lot that i need to do. it has nothing to do with them.

in some ways, this makes any decision a lot harder. if it were all about external factors, then i could say fuckit and find another team. it's much more difficult to figure out how i feel independently of all that. maybe i'm just tired of playing ultimate. maybe i'm not cut out for club. maybe i'm more concerned with quantity than quality. maybe i just want to play with my friends, no matter how bad or good the team ends up being. i don't know. i guess i still have some figuring out to do. but until then, i'm going to try my damndest to go to practice and run the track workouts and find time to lift. because i'm pretty sure it's better than nothing.