the non-expert

sometimes this column's humor is a bit too obscure for my taste. but there are some great times when they get it right on.

this is one of those times.

hah.

easterns (and ultimate)

ambush came in first in the "easterns" bracket at easterns this weekend (or 9th out of 16, for the literal-minded). we got a trophy. we've got a long way to go if we're going to be a nationally-competitive team.

one of the biggest factors this weekend was the weather. both days, the temperature hit over 95 degrees. there's very little shade by the fields, and we played five rounds (four games, one bye) between 9:00AM and 7:00PM on saturday. i had to keep upending my nalgene over my head so that i'd feel cooler. i think being raised in miami helped me out a bit relative to the other (whiter) folks, but still--the heat was almost deadly. a couple people were hospitalized for various heat-related things, and a lot of people felt sick from it. we went 0-4 on saturday and 3-0 on sunday to win the lower bracket.

before this tournament, i had a lot of doubts about ultimate. i was unsure about whether i was really ready to make an intense commitment to ambush, and to the sport, again this summer. i skipped practices, which isn't really my style. i went to easterns with a bit of a heavy heart, not knowing whether it would be my last tournament with ambush, whether i'd be playing co-ed, whether i'd be playing at all. i feel a bit better now.

my main problem, i think, is with the attitude of some of my teammates, toward me and toward each other. personally, i know when i've made a mistake, and i don't need someone yelling at me about it on the field instead of covering their person (who then cuts deep and scores). i don't need broken-up couples taking their frustrations out on each other in public. i don't like having teammates who feel they can criticize others willy-nilly but can't take criticism themselves without getting defensive and loud and angry.

my other problem is with the earn-your-place policy. i don't think it's an invalid way to do it, especially on this team (with people that have been around forever), that aims to play at a high level. if the captains want me to prove myself in practice before i can play in tournament games, then fine. they can lay out the rules and i will play by them. the problem, though, is that the opportunities aren't there--in practice, for instance, i'll only get called first in a string play (catch the pull, short pass) or not at all. other players play dump over me. i can't decide how or when to call a play because others call it out first. etcetera. i've brought this issue up with the captains already, and they do agree that my comments make sense (or, at least, kim does). i don't know if they'll lead to any changes.

at easterns, though, i saw that LP (who started with me last year) was playing a lot more than last year, both on O and D, and starting games even. when brenda would walk off the field, and jacki (who was doing the subbing) would ask who should go in for her, brenda's answer was often "LP." i remember LP's frustrations, very much like my own, last year with the no-opportunity old-boys subbing policy, and i was happy for her that she'd overcome that and was getting playing time. so i complimented her on it, and her response was, "well, i've been working really hard." a little later, we had a longer conversation about it, and i guess i realized that the biggest component missing in my ambush experience is my own commitment. i have to want to get better; i have to go to every practice; i have to lift and run on my own to get in better shape. i have to work on my focus so i can play better defense. i have to work on my cuts so i can play better offense. there's a lot that i need to do. it has nothing to do with them.

in some ways, this makes any decision a lot harder. if it were all about external factors, then i could say fuckit and find another team. it's much more difficult to figure out how i feel independently of all that. maybe i'm just tired of playing ultimate. maybe i'm not cut out for club. maybe i'm more concerned with quantity than quality. maybe i just want to play with my friends, no matter how bad or good the team ends up being. i don't know. i guess i still have some figuring out to do. but until then, i'm going to try my damndest to go to practice and run the track workouts and find time to lift. because i'm pretty sure it's better than nothing.

i heart paul farmer

I'm currently reading Mountains Beyond Mountains: The Quest of Dr. Paul Farmer, a Man Who Would Cure the World. Paul Farmer is one of the most famous people in the public health world, the Bruce Springsteen of health service delivery for the poor. I'm a fan.

"The central imperative of liberation theology--to provide a preferential option for the poor--seemed like a worthy life's goal to him. Of course, one could pursue it almost anywhere, but clearly the doctrine implied making choices among degrees of poverty. It would make sense to provide medicine in the places that needed it most, and there was no place needier than Haiti, at least in the Western Hemisphere, and he hadn't seen any place in Haiti needier than Cange. He didn't stick around in Leogane to see the blood bank get installed [for which he had raised funds]. He'd found out that the hospital would charge patients for its use. He told me he had these thoughts, as he headed back toward the central plateau: 'I'm going to build my own fucking hospital. And there'll be none of that there, thank you.'"

"Farmer entered Harvard Medical School in the fall of 1984. He was only twenty-four... At the medical school, the first two years of the curriculum consisted mainly of large lecture courses. Often, Farmer would show up in Cambridge just in time for lab practicums or exams. Then he'd go back to Haiti. It wasn't as though no one noticed. By the second year, his classmates had nicknamed him Paul Foreigner. But while this kind of commuting by a student was almost certainly unprecedented, it would have been hard for any professor to disapprove. The young man was trying to bring medicine to people without doctors. Besides, his grades were excellent, some of the best in his class."

"One day the president of the Brigham [& Women's Hospital, in Boston] stopped [Howard] Hiatt in a corridor. 'Your friends Farmer and [Jim] Kim are in trouble with me. They owe this hospital ninety-two thousand dollars.' Hiatt looked into the matter. 'Sure enough. Paul and Jim would stop at the Brigham pharmacy before they left for Peru and fill their briefcases with [tuberculosis treatment] drugs. They had sweet-talked various people into letting them walk away with the drugs.' He was amused, all in all. 'That was their Robin Hood attitude.'"

"Little sleep, no investment portfolio, no family around, no hot water. On an evening a few days after arriving in Cange, I wondered aloud what compensation he got for these various hardships. He told me, 'If you're making sacrifices, unless you're automatically following some rule, it stands to reason that you're trying to lessen some psychic discomfort. So, for example, if I took steps to be a doctor for those who don't have medical care, it could be regarded as a sacrifice, but it could also be regarded as a way to deal with ambivalence. I feel ambivalent about selling my services in a world where some can't buy them. You can feel ambivalent about that, because you should feel ambivalent. Comma.' This was for me one of the first of many encounters with Farmer's use of the word comma, placed at the end of a sentence. It stood for the word that woudl follow the comma, which was asshole. I understood he wasn't calling me one--he would never do that; he was almost invariably courteous. Comma was always directed at third parties, at those who felt comfortable with the current distribution of money and medicine in the world. And the implication, of course, was that you weren't one of those. Were you?"

"I remarked on his sleepless nights, his hundred-hour weeks, his incessant travel, as he hobbled along. He said, 'The problem is, if I don't work this hard, someone will die who doesn't have to. That sounds megalomaniacal. I wouldn't have said that to you before I'd taken you to Haiti and you had seen that it was manifestly true.'"

but it was just a paper bag

i think the title is going to be sticking around for a while. i like it.

i don't usually forget that i live life in a new york city / socially liberal / education-valuing bubble. i try to remember that there are a lot of other people in this country, and some of them really do think that gay people are going to hell, or that bush is a really cool guy, or that we can detain arabs at airports based on their brownness and that's okay because they might blow us up if we don't. even if i don't agree, i remind myself that these beliefs exist, and the people who hold them aren't monsters (just maybe a bit misguided). i can't really expect to work in a government-related setting unless i at the very least do that. but there are some things that always catch me by surprise.

before lsat class yesterday, i stood outside eating my corner-stand hot dog and chatting with one of my classmates (whose name i don't remember). he comes into nyc from long island to take this class twice a week on his days off from work because they didn't offer it in his town. he graduated from university in queens in 2001 in criminal justice. since then, he's been working retail and bartending. i guess recently he realized that his job wasn't going anywhere, and he decided to take the lsat and maybe go to law school (in queens, again, since he thinks that's the only place he'll get in). he mentioned that he got a 710 on the SAT (i didn't know that was possible). he's a bad test taker, so he needs to take the class for as much preparation as he can get. he has also applied to the police academies in long island and nyc. but apparently that's a really competitive process, so he's not sure how he'll do. really, though, he just wants to move to tahiti, sell surfboards, and sleep in a hammock.

he was a fairly nice guy, though a bit of a meathead, and i got a kick out of listening to him talk about himself. (i like his tahiti idea, though i'd probably stick to one of the greek islands with all the kooky australians and kiwis.) it made me so thankful that i had a family that thought it was absolutely essential to get a good education, and to not only continue after high school but to pursue an advanced degree as well. most of my friends are at least as smart as me, and many are way, way brighter. some of them, i'm sure, will go on to do great things. the ability and/or the ambition to be better is something that i've taken for granted in myself and my friends for pretty much my whole life. maybe that makes me an elitist. but if it does, that's okay with me.

talking to this guy, and then walking home from the subway, made me think about relationships that cross class lines. [i know that "class" is a floating term that means different things when you talk to different people. i'm not going to bother to try to find the words to define it, and instead i'll take the easy way out and say that i know it when i see it.] inter-class relationships have always struck me as completely strange in a way that inter-racial relationships, for instance, haven't so much. take, for instance, one of the men in my neighborhood that routinely mutters things to me in the street. what kind of relationship could i possibly have with that person? or with a drug dealer? or with a high-school dropout working at the supermarket? or even with someone who didn't have any desire, and didn't see any reason, to ever leave the country? and if the day-to-day "what the hell do we talk about" problems wouldn't be enough to send me running for the hills, i would still be weirded out by spending significant amounts of time with someone whose value system was so different from mine.

my thoughts on this are a bit muddled and the words aren't coming very easily. also, i have to go back to work.

easterns this weekend! and, i bowled 3 out of my 3 games on monday over 100!

over the line. mark it zero.

in about 10 minutes, i'm heading out to chelsea piers with my osi colleagues to bowl in our intramural bowling league. (can intramural be used to describe things that are out of college? dictionary.com says yessir.) i really enjoy bowling mondays. i work with some really interesting, totally wonderful people, who i don't see much of during work hours. so it's nice that i can see them at least once a week in a more casual (and competitive!) setting.

my keyboard has been squeaking for some reason--it just started today. maybe i've been typing more violently than normal.

i skipped practice on sunday. boo me. i guess i could've left grand central when we got back from our airless, lightless, broken down train delay (stupid MTA), but there was a new train waiting right across the platform just begging for me to go to connecticut. so i went. i got in at about 1145. leaving connecticut at 730 the next morning wasn't going to happen then.

of course, today there was an email from the captains to everyone describing their "philosophy" for this year. and of course, personal responsibility and responsibility to your team and teammates were very high priorities. and of course, i feel guilty. but there's something a little off in my current relationship with ultimate. i can't put my finger on it, and i haven't had much luck expressing it to people. easterns this weekend should be interesting. eventually i'll have to make a decision. i'm going to postpone writing about it until it's all a little more clear in my mind. ultimate has been part of my life--such a HUGE part of my life--for so long. i have no idea what's going on now.

time to head out. let's roll.

iLove

on my way between work and class today, i stopped in compUSA and bought an ipod. not a photo, not a mini. just an ipod.

oh wow.

first of all, the packaging is just great. it came in such a nice box that i didn't want to hurt it with my scissors when i was taking off the plastic. i don't think i've ever taken that much care in opening something that wasn't a present.

inside a colorful shell (that mimics the ipod TV commercials) is a simple black box. it opens in half, and the halves are covered inside by clean white panels. on top of one of the panels sits the white box that holds the cd and instructions. it says "enjoy."

when you remove the cd and open the panels, the first thing you see is the ipod itself. it's wrapped in easy-to-remove plastic (i can't really describe it, but it's such a good idea). on top of the screen, the plastic says "don't steal music" in four languages. it's sitting in a little cardboard plate of sorts. if you lift up the plate, you see the power adapter. it's covered in the same easy-to-remove plastic. it's shaped so it fits in an outlet in any direction and can keep itself out of the way of other cords. the plugs themselves fold into the base, so it packs into a neat little rectangle.

if you remove the cd from the other side of the box and lift up the panel, you'll find the cables. there are two, so you can choose what kind of port to plug the ipod into. the firewire cable doubles as the power cord and plugs neatly into the adapter. the plugs come with labels, so if you're technologically inept you can tell the difference. they also have nice plastic caps that slide so wonderfully into place. and--and this is my favorite part--the caps have clips that help keep the cords neatly coiled up. clips! for the cords! on the caps!

just opening the damn thing was an experience. i haven't been able to use it yet because my computer doesn't have a high-power USB port. but i don't care. i love it already.

the whole thing is based on these little details. the solid color and white theme. the fonts. the fact that the iPod speaks to you (enjoy!). the minimization of the number of cords, and the clips to keep them neat. the labels. i know it's all marketing. but the clever designs make me feel like apple really cares about my well-being. apple can tell that i hate tangled cords and like smooth, shiny surfaces. i feel known, invested in. that's what makes me buy this one instead of some other mp3 player that only pretends to be as friendly. i want to be a part of that clever, clever family, even if it means buying my way in.

really, i just want to find the person whose brain gave birth to the iPod and give him a really big hug.

best of what's around

change of plans: no track workout. too much work (left at 730), too tired, too hungry. instead, i'm home (!) for the only real free evening of the week, getting ready to cook, do homework, and watch alias if it's on. wow, it's like i'm in college again.

not really.

but i must i must i must get up early tomorrow and go run in the park, hopefully without getting mugged. i've never run in the park in the morning before. i guess if i feel like it's unsafe i can always turn around and go home, or run on the street.

time to make dinner! how exciting.

pop it

it's a busy day but i hadn't blogged in a while and wanted to write a quick update, 'cause i have way too much to do this summer and never have quite enough free time.

so it looks like no one wants to go to opera in the park (except ben, who doesn't read this. thanks ben!). therefore, i'll be at work late-ish and then running a track workout in the gym. it's a bit odd to run in the gym when i should be on a track, but it cuts down a LOT on the commute (east river is far!) and keeps me on pace. plus, i kind of like running them alone. i'm not worried about competing with the people around me this way, which means that i run at the proper pace and can actually finish the damn things. even though i always want to puke at least once, i feel so strong afterwards that it's usually worth it. i kind of wish i could bottle up that feeling and tease myself with it when i need motivation to work out.

i had my first real LSAT class last night. we ran over time, and i was grumpy about it. i definitely stumbled and stuttered through a comment once, and ended with "nevermind." that was depressing. but i'm trying to think of it as getting the badness out of my system. i'll probably revert to only speaking when called on for a little while. i can't put my foot in my mouth if it's not open, can i? taking this class has been good for my confidence, though. people in there aren't very smart, for the most part. it seems like NO ONE has had logic training, even informally. but it's helpful--i've already learned a couple good tricks for logic games that i'm going to have to try in my homework tonight (homework! during the summer! blech). i've set my goals for the test. i'll be really bummed if i don't meet them.

last weekend was poultry days. fun tournament, overall, but i really played like shit. so did my team, for the most part. two highlights of the tournament: (1) a seven-year-old kid named lincoln, from kentucky. he had an incredible forehand throw! and a wheel-of-death! the wheel-of-death was like a modified thumber. he was pretty cool. i watched my teammate play with him for like three hours, with the little kid running around everywhere and catching things one-handed. ah, the future of ultimate. (2) someone threw for a score, and it was sailing out the back of the endzone. jeff laid out for it out the back and threw a greatest back into the endzone, which josh caught (laying out). sick play. and jeff broke his hand and dislocated two of his fingers. yikes.

i've bought a couple of dvds on my day off on monday. i've watched two of them already--the thomas crown affair and win a date with tad hamilton. both so good! happy sai. also i rented (and watched) the first disc of season 6 of sex and the city. that was where i left off when i lost my hbo on-demand, so i'm picking up with blockbuster. i'm going to stop by the blockbuster near work and pick up the other 2 discs of the season today. i remember when my mom used to watch satc and i would make fun of her. but now i'm a fan. it's a great show. end of story.

back to work!

short notes

1. blog title changed. again. sorry to those of you who link by titles. it'll be shifting around for a while longer--you can name it whatever you want.

2. it's hot. i'd forgotten how hot manhattan apartments get in the summer. no a/c for me, just a big loud box fan for now. it'll do til july, i guess.

3. poultry days coming up this weekend. i'm going with a pick up-ish team from the ny area, coordinated by dusty (of nyu/drew) and with some really cool women at least. leaving 9am on friday morning and driving 12 hours each way. at least there'll be lots of chicken and hicks. that's all i need really.

4. having friends nearby is so amazingly amazing that i just can't get over it. dave is a busride away. i had dinner with evan and walked two blocks to get home. and tao is right there [taps wall]. living with great people in a neighborhood close to my friends totally, completely outweighs any advantages of living in the east village. moving was probably the best decision i've made all year.

5. i finished my track workout today. i'm really quite proud of myself. and i'm still sweaty and gross from it. next order of business: lukewarm shower, then bed.

6. i bowled a personal best yesterday--133. i had like three strikes! it was fun. bowling is probably my favorite extra-curricular(?) activity offered at work. plus, there was free beer. not that i had any.

7. my lsat class starts tomorrow with a diagnostic test. then every tuesday and thursday til mid-august i'll be slaving away trying to get a high enough score to get into georgetown with my mediocre gpa. though, i have to admit, i think it'll be kind of fun. the lsat seems to agree with me. i like puzzles. i like reading. so it's just a matter of focus and practice. and luck, i think. we'll see how tomorrow goes.

8. i'm still coming to terms with the idea of blogs as open letters. initially i thought i'd give it a try here by writing a short note to someone. i had a couple of false starts and eventually gave up. maybe that's just not in the cards for me. i'll stick to talking to myself.

9. i saw a girl on the subway the other day that looked, at first glance, ridiculously like london. it got me thinking. it's a small island. neither of us seems to be going anywhere. she may even read this--i have no idea. i'm totally lost. i have no idea what to do, or even if anything needs doing at all. i just wish she could be okay with me, you know, existing.


i remember a teacher telling me once that you should always put your strongest arguments last in a persuasive essay, because that's what people will remember most. i think that idea's been internalized to produce a desire to always end on a deeper, funnier, cleverer note. almost as if a post is worth less if it doesn't end well. sometimes it happens by accident, or maybe out of habit. all i know is that i agonize over the end of a post much, much more than over any other part (with the title coming in a close second, mostly). it presents a problem when i write haphazard posts. like this one. i don't know how to end. maybe i'll just say goodnight.

easy to please

i don't think i'm the kind to only post when i'm sad or depressed. in fact, this blog is probably the opposite. things on here usually fall into one of three general categories:
1. this is what i did today.
2. rant rant rant rant!
3. things that make me happy.

this is going to be one of those happy posts.

i'm in the middle of a really good day. i spent today catching up on emails at work, and i feel on top of what i have to do. i've got some ideas swimming around my head for how to make things better, which will come into greater focus as the week goes on. not too many people are around, and it's pretty quiet. i like it.

also, i figured out that mara's dvd player and my 30-year-old TV can actually be friends. i went to radio shack and bought an adapter to hold both the TV cable and the dvd cables. now the only things left to do are to hook it up/make sure it works and then get a membership to somewhere--netflix, blockbuster, wherever. west wing season 1, here i come.

on my errand to radio shack i stopped at the candy store across the street. i got some yummy dried fruit and, even better, cookies & cream ice cream. i haven't had ice cream in a while, and it really hit the spot, especially on such a hot day.

speaking of which, what a hot day! it's summer already! incredible. such is new york weather, i guess, where we only have two weeks of springtime before the heat and humidity set in. that's okay with me though--i'll take heat over slushy cold any day.

plus, as mentioned (hooted) before, i got my tax refund. i consolidated my bank accounts so they're easier to manage (and no more stupid fees--ugh citibank). i feel now like i have a comfortable cushion and a savings, which is nice when i've been living basically paycheck-to-paycheck for the past year. it's taken me a while to settle into a financial routine--traveling always messes it up--but i feel good about it now. and i can finally buy an ipod! how lovely.

i think the major factor that's making my day wonderful is the fact that, for the first time in a long while, i feel well rested at work. i think i'd been sleep-depriving myself for most of this calendar year, and it was so difficult to get out of bed in the morning. i'd snooze three or four times before crawling out from under the covers, and i rarely made it in before 930. but this morning, i only snoozed once (huge improvement!) and i made it in just after 9, before almost everyone else in the department. i hope this lasts. i like it.

and, as if that weren't enough, today is the start of the bowling league! we're having a beginning-of-season party at chelsea piers on top of the bowling. and afterwards, i might go meet up with some old BME friends who i haven't seen in way too long. and then i can go home and eat yummy leftovers and hook up the dvd player (thank you mara) and just revel in the glory of it all.

hooya!

]federal tax refund: check.

yes yes yes yes yes!

i'm back home. listening to fiona apple's when the pawn... which is a fantastic album, by the way. haven't unpacked yet, but slept 15 hours last night and this morning (got up for breakfast). haven't seen tao, so guess he's at training. set up my real stereo for the first time since moving in in april; music makes floors shake a bit. figure if upstairs neighbors can get away with early morning construction (7am!) then downstairs neighbors can handle middle-of-the-day light bass. had crackers and brie for lunch, quite satisfying. need to buy some food, and flowers. space bar is still broken and annoying. backspace next to go.

i usually don't do this, and in fact i think it's really lame most of the time. but. well. i'm enjoying it too much. lyrics below. so sue me.

a mistake

I'm gonna make a mistake-
I'm gonna do it on purpose
I'm gonna waste my time
Cuz I'm full as a tick
And I'm scratching at the surface
And what I find is mine
And when the day is done, and I look back
And the fact is I had fun, fumbling around
All the advice I shunned, and I ran
Where they told me not to run, but I sure
Had fun, so
I'm gonna fuck it up again
I'm gonna do another detour
Unpave my path
And if you wanna make sense
Whatcha looking at me for
I'm no good at math
And when I find my way back,
The fact is I just may stay, or I may not
I've acquired quite a taste
For a well-made mistake,
I wanna mistake why can't I make a mistake?
I'm always doing what I think I should
Almost always doing everybody good
Why-
Do I wanna do right, of course but
Do I really wanna feel I'm forced to
Answer you, hell no
I've acquired quite a taste
For a well-made mistake, I wanna
Make a mistake, why can't I make a mistake
I'm always doing what I think I should
Almost always doing everybody good
Why-

i just realized that tao is moving in today. how wonderful.

tao, welcome home.